Phew
Posted on | May 16, 2005 |
I had my performance appraisal today. Everything went fine I think. The official comments from my boss were massively encouraging, and made me feel very welcome to stay and pursue the projects I’ve set for the next little while. I get pretty nervous about all the official assessment stuff surrounding my job. It’s not that I ever truly fear that I’m not doing enough work. I think instead it’s that I know so many other people who do even more than me, and seem to do it by choice. This ‘choice’ is tied to personal circumstances to some extent: some people push themselves because they are the breadwinner at their place; other people don’t or can’t enjoy socialising when they’re in the middle of a project, and there are always projects to be done; still others are older or settled in happy relationships that function well around each person’s career goals; others again just seem to attain a sense of self from the workaholic - or as I tend to call it in my grumpy moods, sainthood - identity. The things that frustrate me about my job aren’t the bits any one appraisal meeting can fix. They are the ingrained work habits that people before me have normalised which make it very difficult to purse alternative forms of contribution to the definition of ‘productivity’ in a university, or to building that distinctly unfashionable idea, scholarly community.
I often leave formal work exercises like these feeling incredibly odd and naive. Like I should have a calculated idea of what I’m worth, that I ought to be more demanding of my colleagues, that I should be more ruthless and transparent in achieving my goals. And while I’ve read enough Women’s Power Handbooks to know better, for some reason it all seems a bit artificial. I treat my job as a privilege that I try to live up to each day. I suspect that the alienation these exercises cause me is because they are formulated for people who don’t think that way very regularly. But I do feel a little resentful to someone - but who? - that despite my best efforts to contextualise my work life I suffer from a chronic feeling of mild panic that I won’t get done everything I need to do. One of my great objectives in life, in light of some close family history, is to make sure that I never lose sight of what’s important. Which is another reason, I guess, that I continue to do what I’m doing now, taking the time to write to you.
Comments
5 Responses to “Phew”
Leave a Reply
Blogroll
- {im@ no jaz}
- A Wild Young Under Whimsy
- Adrian Miles
- Creativity/Machine
- Event Mechanics
- Fifty Two Acts
- Geert Lovink
- How The University Works
- James Richards
- Making Wifi
- Marika Luders
- Mentalization-Positive
- Purse Lip Square Jaw
- Silver in SF
- Snurblog
- Sorrow at Sills Bend
- Supervalent Thought
- Tama Leaver
- The Memes of Production
- The Vapour Trail
- Unemployed at last
May 16th, 2005 @ 6:37 pm
I think the appropriate supportive comment would be: good work!
Cause for celebration?
sweet!
May 16th, 2005 @ 6:55 pm
I know what you mean about the “am I not enough of a workaholic” anxiety - I was almost overwhelmed by it when i first arrived you-know-where, but especially in the particular kinds of academic work that you do even more of than me, I think we/they/you should bear in mind just how *un*productive it would be to maintain some kind of work-life apartheid.
and, good on ya!
May 17th, 2005 @ 1:49 pm
Mel, I am constantly astounded by the thoughtfulness and voracity of the research you do along with your teaching and admin, how engaged you are in departmental/disciplinary/industrial politics, and most of all, how optimistic and enthusiastic you seem to stay when others (including me) feel overwhelmed and cynical.
You deserve to be recognised and rewarded for this without feeling like you owe them more.
May 17th, 2005 @ 8:24 pm
Wow. You guys sure know how to cheer a girl up. Thanks for indulging me. And thanks for being my peer support - something that motivates me more than any professional incentive (except maybe stacks of cash of course, but that’s hardly going to be an issue in this business). I promise not to whinge too often about this stuff. I know how lucky I am to even have a job, and that such ‘oh woe is me’ outbursts must sound quite precious to a lot of people.
May 18th, 2005 @ 12:15 pm
Mel C: You deserve to be recognised and rewarded for this without feeling like you owe them more.
Mel G: I promise not to whinge too often about this stuff. I know how lucky I am to even have a job, and that such ‘oh woe is me’ outbursts must sound quite precious to a lot of people.
oh, Melissa! (G.)